As The Mill is aware many – and possibly even all – of the greatest stories ever told rely on some form of suspension of disbelief, a process of narrative faith, a desire above all on the part of the reader to believe. For example: religion in all its forms. The film Inception, proof that a single apparently tangible object can be woven together entirely out of a series of holes. Or the myth of individual human happiness, that notion of happiness as a kind of unwavering lifestyle option largely dependent on having really good hair and expensive matching furniture, which after thousands of years of brutality and melancholia was suddenly invented by magazines in the 1960s. Plus of course to this list can be added pretty much any story on any given transfer window Tuesday that appears to be supported only by journalistic insider-dom and a general sense of fevered enthusiasm.
Having said that, The Mill desperately wants to believe the news in this morning's Sun that Sir Alex Ferguson wants to sign Frank Lampard, who will be available on a free in the summer. Not content with one superannuated ex-England midfielder, Ferguson has offered Lampard a one-year deal and remains "convinced he can still do a job at the very highest level". Yes, yes. But can he ever form a productive midfield partnership with Steven Gerrard, both of them being genuinely – genuinely – world-class players? The Mill awaits further sensational signings. Perhaps Trevor Sinclair is available.
Also in the Sun, the Year of Pep kicks off in earnest with the news that the former Barcelona manager Guardiola "could be targeted by Chelsea, Manchester City, Manchester United AND Arsenal." Who knew? "I will return because I am young. I am well, watching football as a fan and enjoying those magnificent players," Guardiola has said, scotching the notion that he's been watching much Premier League recently, at least not the bits where one team spontaneously implodes and decides to lose 7-3. Guardiola, or rather "Guardiola-Lionel-Messi-and-the-world-champions", to give him his full managerial title, won 14 out of 18 available titles in his time at Barcelona.
Southampton want to sign the Brazilian midfielder Philippe Coutinho from Internazionale for £10m. And West Ham, Fulham and QPR are all interested in the full-back Danny Simpson who wants to live within more convenient travelling distance of Tulisa off the X-Factor.
In today's Daily Mail, the Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis "would prefer to see Mario Balotelli partner Edinson Cavani at the San Paolo", rather than sell goal-dreamboat Cavani to City – apparently forgetting the other far more sensible option, of just hanging on to Cavani and not having anything to do with Balotelli at all. "There is still time for us to bring in new faces but we must be cautious," De Laurentiis said, waking up with a start from a terrible nightmare about a man with a mohican constantly doing terribly distracting things while at the same time failing to contribute any actual goals.
Meanwhile Chelsea are "at the front of the queue" for Everton muscle-trequartista Marouane Fellaini after "reports" of a £22m buyout clause in the Belgian's contract. Chelsea need someone to replace Old Trafford Frank. Everton are reaping the rewards of years of hard work by cautiously climbing the league table. It's January. Agents are about. Shock "reports" of buy-out clauses are appearing. It's all very depressing.
Elsewhere Zeki Fryers, who seems to be one of those people who worry about "respect" and its counter-balance "disrespect" believes Alex Ferguson has "disrespected" him. Poor, poor Zeki Fryers. How awful. Won't someone think of the disrespected overgrown man-child footballers?
Chelsea are still trying to sign Taison from Ukrainian guitar-thrash outfit Metalist Kharkiv. Benfica and Shakhtar Donetsk are also interested. Kharkiv want £13m for a midfielder who has yet to play for Brazil. Ryan Nelsen is all set to leave the Premier League ghost ship QPR and become the head coach of Toronto FC in place of Suffolk-based 1970s mod-god ace face Paul Mariner. And Borussia Dortmund want to save Nuri Sahin from his Liverpool hell. Sahin's Liverpool hell is due to run out in the summer in any case.
In the Mirror, Paris Saint-Germain are ready to offer Pep Guardiola the Eiffel Tower plus all the cheese in the world if he agrees to transfer his knowledge of managing an ideologically-driven self-funding regional superpower club to splurging vast sums on a hurled-together team of pre-packaged footballing mercenaries. QPR have somehow failed to tempt Marseille into letting Loïc Rémy leave, despite offering £30m-man Shaun Wright-Phillips in return. Rémy wants to go to Newcastle instead, despite Rangers offering to pay him more. Arsenal are keen on Anderlecht's Argentina defensive midfielder Lucas Biglia and could yet successfully offload strolling Russko-enigma Andrey Arshavin to Fulham, who appear to be attempting to build a team entirely around men who never actually run.