FORWARD TO THE PAST
It's 1991. BOB is running amok in Twin Peaks. The Chippendales are proving that men can be objectified too! Diego Maradona has an itchy snout. Slowdive's fringes are stuck to the soles of their shoes. The Lovers' Guide is reminding couples what life was like before they got married. And English football is dazed and confused.
Athletic Bilbao's 3-2 thrashing of Manchester United last night was the most startling performance on these shores by an overseas team not called Barcelona for many a year, and brought English football forward to the past: to those first, shambling post-Heysel steps, when foreign aliens came over with ideas like passing, movement and an inexplicable reticence when it came to puttin' it in the fakkin mixah. This time next week, England could be without a European quarter-finalist for only the second time (the banned years excepted), since Euro Vase become an annual competition in 1960.
"There's no doubt Bilbao were the better side," said Lord Ferg. "It's an uphill fight for us and the question is can we win the match next week?" he added, to the loudest collective chant of 'No' since Weird Uncle Fiver asked a phalanx of university choirgirls if they wanted to hit some really high notes. "I think we can. We have to assess the games because we are finding it difficult marrying Thursday and Sundays," added the man whose team has played on Wednesday and Saturday for the last 15 years with a soupcon of success, "but I think we can win the game OK."
Next Thursday's defeat in Bilbao may ultimately do United a favour in the title race, which resumes on Sunday. United play West Brom at Old Trafford, the first of eight consecutive games against teams in the Have-Nots division of the Premier League. Manchester City will be without the injured Vincent Kompany for their game at Swansea, which means a likely starting place for either Kolo the Klown or walking punchline Stefan Savic. "I hope that for Vinnie, the injury will be short," says Roberto Mancini. "I hope he can recover in 10 days, two weeks maximum." It will, you suspect, take English football a lot longer to recover.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It's up to him, but if he doesn't play, I'll [fine] him two weeks' wages" - Northampton Town manager Aidy Boothroyd shows his charitable side by threatening to lighten midfielder Luke Guttridge's wallet if he keeps a gentleman's agreement not to play against his old club Aldershot.
DOWN MEANS UP
There's an almighty scramble going on at the bottom of the Premier League, with five clubs battling desperately for the right to escape from the most predictable, uncompetitive and boring division in the world. But only three lucky teams can make it to the promised land of the Championship, where pipedreams can actually come true! Or vaguely interesting stuff occasionally happens at least! Which of the indistinguishable quintet of Queens Park Rovers, Blackburn Wanderers, Wolverhampton Athletic, Bolton Rangers and Wigan Wanderers, ground down by the crushing tedium of it all, will get the chance to reassert their identity next season, rediscover ambition, play a bit of carefree football perhaps, and generally have some fun? Some big games between these hopefuls this weekend may make the picture clearer.
Wolves look well prepared to realise their dream, with Roger Johnson having done all he can to help the cause by making what manager Terry Connor euphemistically referred to as "a mistake on Sunday night". That boo-boo caused the club's captain and defensive lynchpin to be literally unfit for purpose on Monday morning, when he may or may not have turned up for training with a carry-out bag in each hand and a head on. Despite this, the refreshed travesty will be in the squad for the crucial clash with Blackburn, which surely can't be good news. And is great news! "The situation with Roger is the sort of thing I've not had to deal with before but I thought I dealt with it adequately enough," yawned Connor today, displaying the sort of that'll-do spirit sure to point Wolves in the wrong, but oh so right, direction.
Blackburn meanwhile are doing their utmost to realise their Championship dream by trying to add Bolo Zenden to their team. The former Dutch international has been sitting in the house faffing around with a new baby since leaving Sunderland last summer, but is a bit bored with it now and fancies popping out for a kickabout. "If we can get him in that will be great," chirped Steve Kean today, having worked out that an injection of Zenden's glacial pace should increase the likelihood of pleasant afternoons out in Bristol, Peterborough and Watford next season tenfold.
Bolton host QPR, with the home side grateful for the return of talismanic striker Kevin Davies, whose record of three goals this season is almost perfectly unhelpful. Bolton could really do with a clean sheet up front and 0 points, because opponents QPR are already as good as down. Just look at the state of that run-in! And the manager! So well done to them. The only danger is that new signings Djinkin' Djibril Cisse and Streetfightin' Samba Diakite, returning from suspension, might do something good in the 27 minutes they feature before being sent off.
The last big showdown at the bottom was supposed to be Norwich versus Wigan, but the hosts haven't read the script written by the fixture computer at the start of the season. Great news for Wigan, then, who accidentally won at Bolton recently and really need a bad result to reverse this worrying trend. Happily, the recent international fixtures have knackered most of Roberto Martinez's squad. "We get hurt more than others because we have a large amount of players who need to get on a plane for nine hours to represent their countries in a friendly," the Wigan boss boasted. Wolves, Blackburn, Bolton and QPR are expected to lodge formal complaints with Fifa, in protest at this clear favouritism. It promises to be an exciting weekend, and the Fiver wishes everyone involved the very worst of luck.
SUPER, BUMPER OH-FIVER-YOU-ARE-SPOILING-US LETTERS SECTION
"Great knowledge about the Mercator Projection! (yesterday's Fiver). Although, if this has been garnered from an episode of the West Wing there is a brazen lack of referencing shown here. If these boxset-informed suspicions are well founded, perhaps the Fiver could now move on to a Deadwood boxset: that way we can look forward to more aggressive and foul-mouthed opening gambits" - Angus Golding.
"May I be the first of a subsequent 1,056 others to state that I didn't even realise Craig Bellamy was a recording artist let alone had released a song called Ellis? (yesterday's Fiver bits and bobs)" - Andy Yates (and 1,056 others).
"Dear Fiver, give yourself a pat on the back and buy an extra can of tin in celebration of the success of the latest STOP LETTERS campaign" - Jonathan Martin.
"Was yesterday's nadir of zero printable letters the journalistic equivalent of the old man in a raincoat chasing after some young girl in a seedy strip joint shouting 'No Krystal it can work' or was it merely the 40-something growing a pony tail and buying a red convertible, in which case we can expect one last tin and jazz powder induced hurrah?" - Jonathan Martin.
"The letters section of the Fiver was always the one I found least interesting, to the point that I actually stopped reading it years ago. I was therefore excited yesterday to see that you had no letters that you deemed worth publishing. Can we please continue to have it this way in the future? It will save me so much scrolling time. Of course should you decide to publish this letter I will not see it as I sadly scroll on by" - Jonathan Spain.
"Re: Krispy Kreme donuts being overly artificial (yesterday's Fiver). Is the Fiver delving back into the murky world of the pleonasm (Fiver letters passim) as surely 'overly artificial' is much the same as one being a 'bit pregnant'? - Martin Devine.
"Much like the football transfer market, Krispy Kreme stores present donuts to you while they are hot and dripping with enough sugar to make you want one more than life itself. Once you buy some, however, it leaves enough of a bad aftertaste to ensure that by the third one, you will figure out that they are not very good for you. Perhaps Roman Abramovich should visit more Krispy Kreme stores? He hasn't learned such a lesson after taking bites at the likes of Torres, Shevchenko, and Mutu (total cost £104,000,000.) Doughnuts are much, much cheaper way of hurting yourself" - Graham G Martin.
"Re: Krispy Kremes. You pose the question in such a way as to suggest that there might be a optimal level of artificial taste, which is an interesting notion" - Steve Allen.
"'Enriched bleached wheat flour (contains bleached wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamine, mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), dextrose, vegetable shortening (partially hydrogenated soybean and/or cottonseed oil), water, sugar, soy flour, egg yolks, vital wheat gluten, yeast, nonfat milk, yeast nutrients (calcium sulfate, ammonium sulfate), dough conditioners (calcium dioxide, monocalcium and dicalcium phosphate, diammonium phosphate, sodium stearoyl-2-lacrylate, whey, starch, ascorbic acid, sodium bicarbonate, calcium carbonate), salt, mono-and-diglycerides, ethoxylated mono- and diglycerides, lecithin, calcium propionate (to retain freshness), cellulose gum, natural and artificial flavors, fungal alpha amylase, amylase, maltogenic amylase, pantosenase, protease, sodium caseinate, corn maltodextrin, corn syrup solids and BHT (to help protect flavor). Glaze also may contain: Calcium carbonate, agar, locust bean gum, disodium phosphate, and sorbitan monostearate'" ... but they taste so good!" - Matt Cayford.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
Despite a last ditch intervention by their local takeaway pizza emporium, who fed the club's players in exchange for a PR opportunity that in no way demeans anyone, Port Vale have become the latest club to go into administration.
'Arry says he ain't been offered a new deal by Spurs chairman Daniel Levy to stay at the club. "'E has not made me an offer of a contract, no, and I 'aven't pushed for one either," 'e said.
Dick Advocaat has denied driving The Pope's O'Rangers to the brink of cash-knack, claiming his £36m spending spree delivered trophies. "My team became champions etc ... etc ..." he said, allowing the journalists to fill in the details themselves. "If you sell those players, you get more money back then you spend. That's the way you have to think," further brassnecked the manager who spent £12m on Tore Andre Flo.
West Brom defender Steven Reid will miss the rest of the season with ankle-ligament-twang.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Mr 10% has dismissed reports his charge is set to join Real Madrid. "Leave me alone with his bull[BLEEP]! I'm not an agent of gossip; I'm a serious person," he sniffed.
And Martin O'Neill says he has no intention of removing Lee Cattermole of the Sunderland captaincy, despite the red card he earned after the Tyne-Wear derby finished. "No, absolutely not, no," O'Neill said, but added: "I was asked a few weeks ago if I thought I had cured Lee and I'm afraid I stared into the abyss on that one."
STILL WANT MORE?
Cesc Fabregas may have gone home to Barcelona but he sometimes gazes wistfully from his window fondly remembering the days of yore at Arsenal or so he exclusively tells Donald McRae.
Roberto Mancini thinks Mario Balotelli needs to settle down but Barney Ronay doesn't, and Barney has got some mighty fancy words to back himself up.
Football League expert James Dart's "best bets" is currently running at a loss of £40.95 but don't let that put you off believing what he has to say in his preview of this weekend's action.
According to David Lacey goals have some power to save a manager, gain revenge, make up for lost time and possibly bring about world peace.
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