Look at the state of the Premier League. With three days left of the transfer market, almost every club is rushing around on a desperate spending spree, pushing and hollering like citizens stocking up on tinned food before the outbreak of war. It is as if no one told them until now that the transfer window shuts on Thursday.
At least Manchester United and Huddersfield Town did their shopping early so now all they have to do is sit back and laugh at everyone else. Or perhaps join everyone else in laughing at Arsenal, whose years of frugality have somehow led to the club having a surplus of inadequate players and a couple of gaping holes in their bloated squad. At least it looks like Arsenal are going to flog Shkodran Mustafi to Internazionale and Kieran Gibbs to Watford so Arsène Wenger may still get an opportunity to splash out on a top-class holding midfielder in time to leave him on the bench for the next big game.
Liverpool are in Monaco and a state of confusion. They’ve had two bids for Thomas Lemar turned down and are mulling over a third. What they should be doing, of course, is bundling Fabinho into a car and heading to the airport, since Monaco are said to be willing to let the central midfielder go to anyone except Paris Saint-Germain. PSG covet the Brazilian but Monaco won’t play any more ball with the club from the capital, who are already poised to snare Kylian Mbappé. There’s a claim going about today, by the way, that Arsenal could have signed Mbappé nearly three years ago but turned their noses up at a deal that would have allegedly involved handing over a vast fee to the family of a player who had not yet even played a professional match. It would be unreasonable to slag off Wenger for that, so some folks are already getting stuck in.
When Liverpool are finished in Monaco, they’re going to don their most contrite expression and head to Southampton. They’ll be carrying a case-full of money and a DVD of Sunday’s match at Anfield, just in case Virgil van Dijk has been getting any ideas about joining Arsenal instead. Juventus must have seen that match because they are now apparently interested in getting their hands on Emre Can. But Liverpool want to hold on to him now that he’s on a roll. The Mill isn’t convinced that roll will last but no one wants to hear that right now.
Meanwhile, anyone who thought Paul Clement was only going to use his blue-cup contacts to prise Sam Clucas from Hull City will need to think again when Swansea complete one of the most eye-catching signings of the summer: the Welsh side are in contention to lure Renato Sanches from one of Clement’s former employers, Bayern Munich.
Once Chelsea complete the signing of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, they’re going to wrap up a deal for Ross Barkley. When two unfulfilled English potentials get a multi-million pound move to the champions, you know the coach has a tremendous faith in his own ability and someone has a quota to meet.
In a predictable end to a strange affair, Chelsea are in talks about accepting a ransom from Atlético Madrid so that Diego Costa will liberate himself from the house in Brazil where he is holding himself against Chelsea’s will.
Elsewhere, several Premier League clubs are still considering a move for Borussia Dortmund’s slinky young midfielder Emre Mor. But he’s about to join Celta Vigo. Burnley are hoping to complete a deal for Lorient’s Ghanaian forwad Abdul Majid Waris, who is awaiting a work permit. Manchester City are hopeful of signing Alexis Sánchez and Jonny Evans this week so that high-end tunnel-gawkers will have some new exhibits to drool over.
Tottenham Hotspur are enjoying a long breakfast. Then Daniel Levy might do a crossword or go for a ramble around the Hertfordshire countryside and fill a punnet with wild blueberries and perhaps even a couple of gooseberries. And then, on Thursday, he’ll spring into transfer action. And lo, Spurs will still have all their goalscoring eggs in the baskets of Dele Alli and Harry Kane.