The Snow Gods have come for Adam Vinatieri’s money

Welcome to Gramatica Errors, SB Nation’s weekly kicking and punting column. As always, we will do our best to avoid any and all foot puns. Now let’s kick things off ...

The Snow Gods laugh at Vinatieri, he whom they formerly blessed

Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri missed two field goals this Sunday against the Bills, and barely hooked in a pivotal extra point, in a game marked by horrendous, snowy conditions in which it was hard, at times, to even see the field.

According to ESPN’s Mike Wells, Vinatieri’s misses on Sunday dropped down his season-long field goal percentage below 90 percent, which if it remains there could cost him a $500,000 bonus in his contract.

Vinatieri's field goal percentage dropped to 88 percent (22 of 25) after he went 0-for-2 on field goal attempts during blizzardy conditions at New Era Field in Orchard Park, New York, against the Bills on Sunday. He would receive a $500,000 bonus for making 90 percent of his field goal attempts (with a minimum of 16 attempts) this season. He went into Sunday's game having made 95.6 percent (22 of 23) of his field goal attempts.

This is known. What isn’t so widely known is that the misses from Vinatieri were not just a result of a cold ball and poor footing — it was actually punishment from the Snow Gods.

Just before Vinatieri made a field goal in similar conditions for the Patriots against the Raiders in the team’s run to a Super Bowl in 2002, the kicker made an oath to the Snow Gods that he would name his first son Icicles Vinatieri. When the kicker didn’t do so — in his defense, good luck convincing the wife that your kid needs to be named Icicles — the Snow Gods knew that one day they would come for their revenge. Thus, they struck Vinatieri where it would hurt the most: The wallet.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

Navy kicker receives a 21-toe salute

The residents of Cleat Street stomped in unison this week in honor of Navy kicker Bennett Moehring, who felt the pain too many of us have known.

Navy was trailing Army on Saturday on a snowy day in Philadelphia, with Navy looking to avenge last year, when they lost to Army after a 14-year winning streak. With a minute remaining in the fourth quarter and Navy down 14-13, the Midshipmen stormed down the field. It looked like Moehring would have a 38-yarder to win — hard, but makeable, as Moehring is a great college kicker.

Then Navy, the team that prides itself on never getting penalties, got called for two false starts. Now Moehring would be forced to make from 48 yards to win the game, in freezing, snowy conditions. I wouldn’t feel great about an NFL kicker making that.

His kick went up, had the distance from 48 ... and just veered left at the final moment to go wide. Army won. Any closer, that kick stays within the uprights.

You’d think people would understand, but because it’s the internet, the insufferable trash fire of human misery, everyone hated on ... oh wait. What? They didn’t hate? The internet paid respect to an incredible effort in a really tough situation?

... Is this a trap? This feels like a trap.

Norman Chad, we either need to become best friends or fight to the death

ESPN poker analyst and Washington Post columnist Norman Chad penned a column this week on Giannis Antetokounmpo and Johnny Hekker, and it’s so all over the place I honestly can’t tell if it’s genius or the man has gone off the deep end.

In this column, Chad discusses Antetokounmpo and Hekker, yes, but he also discusses smart phones, Madonna, Greek salad, Martha Stewart, cat videos, the depth of information one can find in a newspaper, Taylor Swift, Scrabble, and Fox & Friends.

I’ve now read it three times and I’m still not sure what’s going on. I’m trying to find the connection he’s making between Antetokounmpo and Hekker, and I got: They’re both athletes, Anteotkounmpo is very tall and Hekker is pretty tall, and apparently Chad read about them on the same day in the New York Times. So that’s why they’re in the column.

Photo by Leon Bennett/Getty Images

As someone with a first and last name that are both first names and a — how do I want to say this — gently researched weekly column that hits on the kicking arts, let me just say: Norman Chad, you better watch yourself. I don’t know if you’re mocking what I do, or elevating it, or denigrating it, or what. Something’s happening here. I’m not sure if we need to fight each other or become best friends, but whatever it is, just know that I’ve got my eye on you.

I’ve worked long and hard for like a couple months to carve out this beat, and if you’re coming for it, just know that I’ll take your column to the toilet and give it a STRAIGHT FLUSH. POKER PUN. ARTICLE OVER.

Snow football is awesome! Except for kickers