Ridiculous rumor claims Real Madrid to offer Bale, Benzema, Modric for Harry Kane

It’s been a trying day, are you feeling all right? It looks as though you could use a ridiculous Tottenham Hotspur transfer rumor to restore the balance of your humors. Well, here you go!

According to Spanish website Diario Gol, Real Madrid really REALLY wants Harry Kane this summer. Like, BAD bad. But they know that a) Tottenham has no intention of selling Kane, b) Kane doesn’t really want to go, and c) it would take something truly stupid like a €200m bid to even get Daniel Levy to acknowledge Florentino Perez’s presence. Which is why the latest rumor is that Madrid is willing to offer three players as a makeweight exchange: Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema, and Luka Modric.

It’s kind of delightful, isn’t it? It’s the kind of rumor that’s perfectly designed to make wistful, long-time Spurs fans to perk up and take notice. Gareth Bale is, well, Gareth Bale — he was Harry Kane before Harry Kane, a young player who rose through the ranks to become a superstar. Likewise, Luka Modric was the best midfielder Spurs had in the modern era (before Christian Eriksen came along). And — why not? — throw in Karim Benzema, one of the most heralded strikers of his generation.

What’s not to like?

Well, for starters, Gareth Bale has a history of injuries at Madrid. He’s missed 80 games since 2013. He’s injured now, in fact, and will likely miss Madrid’s Champions League match against Spurs at Wembley Stadium. Luka Modric is still really good, but he’s 33 now, and is going to start declining any time now (which is probably why Madrid is ready to part with him). Benzema? Well, he’s still really fantastic but he turns 30 this year as well. It’s not clear if any of these three players, much less all of them, would want to come (back) to Tottenham, even with Champions League and a new stadium in 2018.

Oh, and there’s one more thing:

A quick Google tells me Bale is on about £288k/week. Modric is on £130k/wk. Benzema is currently pulling in £152k/wk. Even if you assume that all three would take a pay cut to play for Spurs, that still blows Spurs’ wage structure right to hell, even if you account for the new stadium and the additional income it provides.

Look, I’d love nothing better than to have Bale back. I would take Old Man Modric in a heartbeat. It’d also be kind of fun to stick our imaginary finger in the eye of Arsenal, who’s been after Benzema for years now. And the new stadium will give us more freedom to offer competitive wages for better stars in the near future. But don’t believe this rumor for an instant. Even if this is true (which it probably isn’t), it represents Madrid trying to buy our best player with three players that are either at the verge of decline, or represent a serious and recurrent injury risk.

Also, it’s Harry Kane.

Sorry, Gareth and Luka.