UK Edition
Ten things we can expect from the new female Doctor Who
So, now Jodie Whittaker has been announced as the 13th Time Lord, what changes will we see under the first double-Xed Doctor in Whovian history? No leaks have emerged from the BBC as yet, but the possibilities include:
1) Pre-credits sequence of her wearily explaining to everyone she meets that no, it’s not ‘Nurse Who’
2) ....and why, although she’s 897 years old, she’s not exploring IVF yet
3) Once every four episodes she blows up every planet she damn well pleases as well as anyone who’s ever cracked a joke about how badly she parks the Tardis.
4) She will look far less like your grandma than Peter Capaldi did. I mean, seriously. It was disturbing. Wasn’t everyone disturbed? And she will also be wearing much more practical work clothes. Anyone serious about saving galaxies does not fanny about with three piece velvet suits, droopy cuffs and ruffled shirts.
5) We’ve never seen the doctor’s bedroom, but we know that from now on the sheets will be changed more than once in a Gallifreyan moon.
6) The series will be recorded at twice the current volume so it can still be heard over the sound of furious typing by even more furious manbabies raging about a Tardis full of bras and sonic screwdrivers being replaced by heliocentric hairgrips.
7) More woke members of the community will try to defuse the tension by wondering whether having two hearts means she also has four boobs.
8) Programme volume will then dip during period of silence that follows this last thought.
9) Every episode will be 20 minutes shorter, thanks to new Doctor’s ability to multitask, and every series to be three episodes shorter because once vanquished, foes stay vanquished because it’s quicker just to do the job properly the first time than have to keep coming back again and again.
10) End credits will show Jodie Whitaker having a restorative large gin and a fag with WonderWoman's Gal Gadot, Star Trek's Kate Mulgrew and The Hunger Games 's Jennifer Lawrence and playing Who’s Been Tweeted the Greatest False Equivalency Today game.
Whittaker wins every time with an online commentator asking “Why not a female replacement for Ant McPartlin in Ant & Dec?” And also comes second with another’s “Why not Jackie Chan as Poirot?”