David Davis: the swaggering Swiss Toni of Brexit

I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong. I know that Brexit is the most crucial issue of our times. I know that I should cover the negotiations more seriously.

The trouble is, though: whenever I watch David Davis, as he swaggers up to the podium for yet another press conference, I can’t help thinking of Swiss Toni from The Fast Show. As in, the preening second-hand car salesman who thinks that absolutely everything on Earth is like making love to a beautiful woman.

“Y’see… Paul… negotiating with the European Union is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. She treats you with contempt, it’s impossible to satisfy her, and then afterwards you have to hand over a huge wad of cash.”

I’m not alone in this. Others have said it before, and many more will say it again. Mr Davis simply is Swiss Toni. The winking bonhomie. The silver-haired suavity. The purring self-assurance. All he lacks is the moustache. He should grow one. It would suit him. He looks like the kind of man who likes something to twirl.

“Y’see… Paul… growing a moustache is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. It takes longer than you bargained for, you look ridiculous in the mirror, and afterwards you feel terribly itchy.”

This morning in Brussels the latest round of Brexit talks concluded. At lunchtime, the Brexit Secretary faced the media, alongside Michel Barnier, chief negotiator for the European Commission.

Their statements followed a familiar pattern. Mr Davis insisted the talks had gone brilliantly (“We’ve made considerable progress… Real progress… Important progress… As much progress as possible… I’m encouraged by the progress we’ve made…”).

Monsieur Barnier, meanwhile, sounded somewhat less enthusiastic.

“We are not yet there in achieving sufficient progress,” he sniffed. There was still no agreement over the European Court of Justice, family reunification rights for EU migrants, and the Brexit divorce bill. It could, therefore, be “months” before talks moved on to the second stage. According to his original schedule, the first stage was to be completed by October 2017. October is now three days away.

But, if the delay troubled Mr Davis, he didn’t show it. On the surface at least, he seemed as chirpily boisterous as ever. A reporter from the BBC asked him whether this was really a “negotiation” at all. Wasn’t he just being forced to jump through the EU’s hoops?

Mr Davis chuckled. “Sometimes these questions make me laugh!” he breezed. “Of course it’s a proper negotiation!”

Yes, no matter how stubborn his opponents, and how sceptical the media, it takes more than a setback like this to knock Mr Davis off his stride.

“Y’see… Paul… holding a press conference about Brexit is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You give a reassuring smile, stress that this has never happened before, and promise that you’ll definitely be able to get the job done next time.”