We begin with the never-ending and never-interesting story regarding Chelsea's perpetual search for a new manager. The revolving door's been spinning round since the days of Danny Blanchflower and Geoff Hurst, you can't just pin this one solely on Roman Abramovich. OK, with the Mears family long gone, you probably can. Whim Boy's decided that this Rafael Benítez experiment could be going better, and will replace the Champions League-winning, Uefa Cup-winning, two-time La Liga-winning, FA Cup-winning, World Club Cup-winning manager with Gianfranco Zola of Watford and formerly, of course, Chelsea. It won't be so long before John Terry, Frank Lampard or Winston Bogarde gets the job for a couple of months, will it?
Also in the frame, should the club wish to go down a more sensible route, are Borussia Dortmund's Jürgen Klopp, Swansea City's Michael Laudrup, Atlético Madrid's Diego Simeone, José Mourinho's José Mourinho, former Saudi Arabia boss Frank Rijkaard, and the Ron Noades de nos jours, Roman Abramovich. We've made the last one up ourselves, folks, but you just wait and see if it doesn't come to pass some day soon. Mark our words, good people, mark our words.
Over the road at Arsenal, increasingly beleaguered Arsène Wenger is interested in Napoli hitman Edinson Cavani, but won't be making a bid because the bottom of his pockets are too far away for his little arms to reach. That's not a snide dig at his parsimonious transfer policy, he does wear a very long coat. But it's not all bad news at the Emirates. Theo Walcott, who plays for Arsenal, is going to sign a deal with Arsenal. More breaking news as we have it.
Stoke City don't have a clue whether Kenwyne Jones will leave for Swansea City in a £3m deal or not. He's only got 14 more days to make his way out of the Britannia front door before the transfer window shuts, for a start, and at the speed the big guy ambles, time's already at a premium.
Liverpool are interested in Wesley Sneijder, but only if he comes and promises to jig about Anfield for beans. That'll be that, then. Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur are more likely destinations, but given what we know about the negotiating abilities of the Liverpool penpushers, the same might as well be said for Basingstoke Town, Haverfordwest County and Wick Academy.
Manchester United are interested in Pescara playmaker Juan Fernando Quintero, but he's not interested in them. Note to kids born in or after 1992: this does happen.
Newcastle United have to do something, and are hoping moves for Saint-Etienne striker Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and PSV Eindhoven forward Jeremain Lens will be enough. Not if Milan make off with £10m-rated keeper Tim Krul, it won't be. There's hope for Aston Villa yet.
There's isn't hope for Aston Villa.
Norwich City will splash £10m on Celtic striker Gary Hooper and Swansea's Danny Graham.
And finally, Mario Balotelli's away to Milan. Like Cristiano Ronaldo before him, and Luis Suárez next year, you'll miss him when he's gone.